I'll Be Good [Neviah]

[attr="class","pltxt"] Somehow, Neviah had always doubted that they would make it this far.

Though the massive femme had her share of trials and tribulations in life, she had not been prepared for the toxicity and volatile nature of the wolf she had chosen to share her life with. They had been beautiful together, in the beginning. But like the seasons changed, so did Isaiah. The sweet, kind male she had fallen in love with crumbled into madness, taking on far too many attributes of his family that Neviah simply could not tolerate. He was regressing, and while the dire femme once thought that her presence would bring Isaiah back to the light, she quickly learned that even the strongest fall when under enough pressure. She had just never expected it to be them.

They were the dream team. Isaiah and Neviah, against the world forever. They were perfect; they completed one another. And yet the ugly truth was when faced with trials, the pair had been oil and water. Isaiah started responding to her snarky quips and attitude with lashing retorts. Though he had known her to be rough around the edges, his smoothed corners were chipping, growing more jagged by the day. They were crumbling, and even Neviah herself had not been prepared for her own fall out. She had thought if they were away from Kairos, perhaps she could find her Isaiah again. He was still somewhere inside the male in front of her; she knew it in her heart. And when the dusty female crossed the ocean once more, returning to the mainland, she knew he would follow. And yet things grew worse.

Isaiah was different since his return. Though Neviah had not thought of it, his family had broken him. She simply had to fix him. That was her place in life was to remain by his side. And yet one day, she broke her promise.

"I will suffer through every annoyance you throw my way, if only it means you are with me."

Words were spoken in anger. They fought over stupid things, things Neviah never would have thought would get under her skin. And deep down, the dire femme had suffered a bitter tragedy of her own that her mate had not been aware of, and yet it affected her mood in every facet. For on the day her temper had snapped, so had her entire world.

She would never forget the look on Isaiah's face as she lashed out at him, accusing him of being exactly like the monster that raised him. And even in that moment, she knew she had gone too far, but her pride would not allow her to turn back to him. She could not even look at him anymore; he was everything that she hated in the world in that moment. She would not allow him to see the tears in her eyes as she stormed away, knowing that in that moment, he would not follow her. And so she ran.

She ran as far as her tired legs would carry her, until blood seeped from the very cracks of her torn paws and even then, she did not stop running. Her vision blurred with hysteria, her body heaving as the contents of her stomach spilled upon the earth once more. And even then, she could not stave off the overwhelming despair as her body revolted against her. As far as she had gone, she could no longer move. She could not even breath as anxiety overwhelmed her. And even when she had returned, every bit of her died that day. For that day, her children had died as well. She had not even known.

The signs had all been there, and yet the young, inexperienced female had not recognized it. The moodiness, the weight, the random spurts of anger and temper. No, she had been so focused on the reactions of her mate that she had ignored everything, and Neviah had not even realized until that very second that she lost everything, just how much she had wanted it in the first place. She was broken, alone, and all she could do was wallow in her misery. She wanted things to change, and yet they had, just not in the way that she had wanted. They were going to be parents, and now she was alone without even her pups to comfort her. She was nothing in this world with them. Without him.

And so, wordlessly, she had dragged herself back together. She had pieced together the mask that would protect her from the pain, and possibly the hatred she might face from her mate should he discover that she had lost their pups. It was on that day that she swore that she would make a change. She would return to him, and the tough mask she wore was one layer thicker after that day. It took her two days to return over the distance she had travel, and Neviah ensured that she bathed the scent of her body's failure from every inch of her. The graves of their six tiny, underdeveloped pups still laid somewhere in the northern forests of Acerbus. It was ironic that the final resting place of their children still remained within the borders of Kairos; the place she had thought escaping would bring sanity back to her mate. And Neviah put a tough face on. She would not allow Isaiah to see the hurt and destruction he had brought her.

The dire slunk back, apologies for running off on him spilling from her at first sight. If anything, he looked worst than before, but rather than the anger she had grown accustomed to in his presence, Isaiah looked remorseful. Neviah did not know what had been the catalyst on his side, but somewhere in that time span, things had changed. They were different together. Rather than working against each other, they were more cohesive; a unit as they should have been all along. And though Neviah was still recovering herself, she pushed the hurt and longing to the side, instead focusing her attention on helping Isaiah to truly get better. Though it was never far from her mind, she dared not set back Isaiah's progress with her petty need for comfort. She was strong; she would make it through this. And gradually, she did.

The hurt was still there. The void was never truly filled, but at least Isaiah's eyes were no longer clouded with hate and pain. Neviah could see her mate returning once more, and everything she had ever wanted was right there with her. Everything, except her children.

Neviah did not bother to raise her head from her mate's coat as she felt his nose gently brushing against her. She had grown accustomed to his touch once more, and though she craved it at all times, thoughts of their children were never far from her mind when they were intimate. And as each month passed and her belly did not swell with pups, the sorrow would wash over her once more. Isaiah seemed to chalk it up to her typical moody behavior, but Neviah knew better. It had been many moons, and she still was plagued with nightmares; dreams in which she was surrounded by everything. It was all there, and in a blink of an eye, her children were yanked away from her once more. And when she would awake from these dreams, Isaiah was always there to comfort her, and the femme could not help but fall back against him again and again. But on days like this, she slept with some measure of peace. Those were the good days.

Those were the days that she felt normal again.

And as her bold, teal eyes fluttered open, a delicate smile dragged from the corners of her lips, a quiet groan escaping her muzzle as she nuzzled her snout straight into Isaiah's chest, breathing him in as if she could never get enough. She might have lost everything, but at least a piece of it had come back to her in the end.

[attr="class","pltxt"]The soft spoken words of her mate roused her muzzle from his side, and Neviah offered the dumb brute a dazzling smile. He was always the charmer, and though she knew the ugliness that lurked beneath the surface, she would do her best to forget that. Isaiah was her best chance at life. He was her best chance at putting the pieces back together, even if he did not know it at the time. And so she indulged her mate's somewhat foolhardy behavior momentarily, before her tell tale smirk covered her face once more. "If you jump out of a tree, the ground won't be the only thing to beat you," she crooned, the words sounding loving on the surface with a hint of caution beneath them that she was not even sure was there herself. She had been in an off mood lately, and it was often difficult to control her snarky comments when she got feeling this way. Isaiah was her rock, but that did not mean he did not have a habit of sinking at the worst possible times. Another month had come and gone, and once again she was felt feeling empty. She hated this.

She hated herself.

But somehow, she still managed to put forward the very same appearance she always had. Perhaps Isaiah had not noticed because the changes had come after their mutual epiphanies. While Isaiah seemed to come back whole, Neviah found herself spiraling. She could not be in the presence of other females. She did not want to go back home. She did not want to face her friend Roka, who likely had born another litter of pups to Isaiah's brother. She felt like a failure; she could not even do a female's primary duty correctly. It was high time that she seduce the male before her (which arguably was not a difficult task in the least) but she simply was not up to the task right now. Instead, her head lulled back silently against his coat, blinking her brilliant orbs up at the sky and trying to block out the world around her.

"If you want me to tell you you're pretty, you already know it," she half-giggled to her mate in response to his sweet words. Neviah was far more careful to keep her attitude reined in these days. She did not want to drive her mate away; for all she knew, she was the reason he had descended into madness. Ever since their break, Neviah walked on eggshells to an extent. She could not have him leave her. She would never find a love like theirs outside of this partnership, and she could not bear the thought of being alone again. Those three days had been enough to last a lifetime, and she had felt even more alone that day than the day she lost her mother. The day she killed her mother. She was a murderer, both to her mother and their children. How Isaiah could still look at her and not see the darkness in her soul, she never knew. Bad things followed her, and yet for some reason he still remained with her.

The dire femme had a tendency to carry guilt with her for situations that likely were beyond her control, and this was no different. She continuously blamed herself for what had happened to her mother. She blamed herself for the loss of their pups. She could not even bring herself to tell Isaiah about their sweet children, for she feared that such a betrayal would drive him away again. He had never been quiet about his desire to have a family, and she had ruined that for him. Logically she knew she was not in season and would be unable to conceive this time of year, but the mind does bizarre things when corrupted with guilt and pain. It had turned her into a borderline seductress at times, and her mood swings were likely noticeable to her mate. He would soon realize that she was in one of the middle periods where she was just content to be in his presence. But that did not mean that the slightest change could not throw their world off tilt once more.

Neviah had always prided herself on independence. She was strong and capable; she did not need a male to do things for her. But here she was, so inexplicably tied to Isaiah that she could not get him out of her mind. And it was not even her affection for him that clouded her. No, she still felt strongly for the male, but that was not what drove her now. She was driven by maternal necessity. She needed a family with him. But she could not tell him. No, she could not lose him. Any femme could walk by and catch his attention if he did not think her to be useful to him. She could not be expendable to him. She needed to be his everything. And if she could not be, then no one else would be either. The green-eyed monster inside her would not allow the male to walk away from her side.

"You know, perhaps it is time we wander on," she suggested leisurely, her snout traveling from the brute's side up toward his delicate facial features. As always, he was oblivious to her inner monologue. It was as if the two versions inside herself were constantly at battle. But she could not deny that she enjoyed the view while fighting this particular skirmish. Unlike his elder brother, Isaiah had managed to remain unmarred by life. He was a pretty boy, and she could simply drown in his emerald eyes. "But I suppose we could find time for other things as well..." The femme's voice trailed off, the telltale lust swarming her face as she stared at Isaiah hungrily, rolling off the brute and probing at his side with her snout, rousing him from the earth. It was no different than before; her mood was all over the place, and she could not control it. Only moments before she had only wanted to be around him, and yet now she was attempting to seduce the poor boy. "But of course... only if my pretty boy is up for the challenge," she crooned seductively, batting her eyes hopelessly at the male.

He would fall for it. He always fell for it.

The questions would come later, she knew they would. Every time she moved on the male unexpectedly, there would undoubtedly be a bout of depression close behind. And following the depression, rage and jealousy would rear their ugly heads. But Isaiah had yet to shy away from the bait. He always indulged, and why would he not? He was male, and he had needs. Neviah knew this. She knew he would never turn away from her, and after their fight he had been just as needy about keeping her around as she had been with him. But it was a different kind of need. Where his was out of affection, hers was partially out of obligation and guilt. She wanted him, but she could not deny the ulterior motives behind it. The poor brute was in a confusing world, and Neviah simply was not ready to reveal the source of her pain.

She would give her mate a family. She would try until they succeeded, so that one day she would be able to look him straight in the eyes once more and not feeling the guilt of throwing everything away.

[attr="class","pltxt"]She could never tire of breathing in his scent. For where Neviah's mind was clouded with darkness, Isaiah was the light that parted the miserable isolation. It was in him that she found solace; she would go wherever he wanted, if only to keep from drowning in herself. It was when the male suggested they head to his niece's pack lands that the dire femme nodded silently; she was less interested in interacting with his niece than he was in making sure the male did not leave her behind. She could not exist in a world without him right now; for each passing month dragged her further into the darknees. It would not be long before she was consumed if she could not get what she sought from him. Just as she had anticipated, the conversation did not last long when her smoldering eyes rested wordlessly on him. He fell for it, like a lamb to the slaughter. She was his kryptonite, and Neviah would not have it any other way. It was what kept her moving every day; the knowledge that she had possession of this male in body and spirit. She controlled him and their time together. They were partners, but she had a sense of entitlement and dominion over the male, though she dared not voice such things to him. She would keep him, if only to keep her own sanity.

A conspiratorial smirk dragged across the femme's lips as Isaiah nosed pushily at her rump, not bothering with the delicate sweetness she had once expected of him. It had not taken any time at all to entice him, but that was no surprise. It never had been a difficult task. She was not naive to her own appearances, nor was she blind to Isaiah's. They were the perfect pair; a beautiful partnership. But as the two had grown closer physically, Neviah found she preferred to cut out the "lovey dovey" portions in search of what she truly wanted. She cared deeply for the male, but her fragmented heart had kept her vision focused on one goal only. She was still affectionate with him, but there was a nearly undetectable coldness in her motions. She did not was it for love; no, she wanted it to replace what she had lost. She wanted to find the love she thought she deserved, that she had been robbed of by her own body. She wanted to find solace in the knowledge that she was not broken. She wanted to give Isaiah a family; it would tie them together, forever.

The familiar weight of the male's body resting against her drew a hum of contentment from the depths of her body. Neviah could feel her mate pressing against her, and yet he did not continue forward. An impolite whine slipped from her muzzle as she fussed at his teasing; she had no need of his games today. She had no patience for his toying. She needed him, and she needed him now. But Isaiah was intent on making her work for it, and the snarl that rumbled in her throat was an indicator of just how annoyed she was at the brute's antics. But she would not walk away from him. She never would, and he knew that somewhere inside. She never had before; she had not truly walked away since that fateful day.

Neviah grunted, forcing her rump back against her mate's throbbing length, hissing as she felt him slip inside her once more. He would not get away with making her do all the work. He was the one getting the majority of the pleasure out of their dalliance; she would never say she did not love him, but her mind was constantly a million miles away. She was back in the forests of Acerbus, the pain consuming her. The flashbacks were worse when the pair were together intimately, but she grinned and bore it, keeping her mate oblivious to the pain she felt. She could not drag him back into the depths of self-destruction with her. She could handle it. He had already proven he could not.

She was protecting him, in a way. She would not allow him to slip away again.